Jokes

Black

 

Many of the jokes contained in this compilation
are considered offensive by some. Others are of
the opinion that this kind of material is useful for
relieving tensions and getting stereotypes out into
the open. If you consider such material offensive,
do not scroll down to the jokes below.

 

 

A black guy was praying one day when God, for some reason, decided to answer him.
"Lord," asked the black guy. "Why are my legs so long?"
"So you can run like the wind through the jungle."
"Lord, why is my hair so kinky?"
"So it won't get caught on anything as you run through the jungle."
"Lord, why is my skin so dark?"
"So that you won't get burned by the sun's intense rays in the jungle."
And then the black guy asked, "Lord, why am I in Chicago?"

A general called up the motor pool of the base he commanded and when a voice answered "Mota pool," he asked "Do you have any cars?"
"No, suh, a voice answered from the other end of the line. "All we got is ole jeeps. And one Cadillac. But that's only for fat-ass ole generals."
The general barked, "Do you know who I am?"
"No, suh, I don't."
And the general spluttered, "I'm the commanding general of this post!"
"Well, suh, do you know who ah am?" asked the voice at the motor pool.
"No, I don't," answered the general, irritated.
"Thah's good, you fat ass ole general."

A huge black guy walked into a bar. He went up to the bartender and said, "My name's Liberty Smith. I'm seven feet tall,  I weigh three hundred pounds, and I'm the meanest, baddest player on the Dallas Cowboys--and I'm married to a white woman. What do you say to that?" The bartender replied, nervously, "That's nice, Mr. Smith." Then he walked up to one of the men sitting at the bar and said, "My name's Liberty Smith. I'm seven feet tall,  I weigh three hundred pounds, and I'm the meanest, baddest player on the Dallas Cowboys--and I'm married to a white woman. What do you say to that?" The man turned white and said, "Anything you say, Mr. Smith." And then he walked up to another bar patron and said to him, "My name's Liberty Smith. I'm seven feet tall,  I weigh three hundred pounds, and I'm the meanest, baddest player on the Dallas Cowboys--and I'm married to a white woman. What do you say to that?" And he said, "I don't blame you. I wouldn't marry a nigger either."

A black man went parachute jumping. He leapt out of the plane, felt the rush of the wind and saw the ground getting closer. After a few seconds he reached for the rip cord to open his parachute. Just then an angel flew by and said he him, "If you love Jesus don't pull that rip cord." The black man was very religious, so he took his hand away from the rip cord, saying, "Yessir, ah do love Jesus!" A few seconds later, the ground was a lot closer and his body began to be really tense. Once again, he reached for the rip cord--and the angel flew by again, saying, "If you love the Lord Jesus don't pull that rip cord." The black man's faith was strong and he took his hand away again. A few seconds later--splat!--the black man hit the earth and was killed instantly. And as the angel flew away he said to himself, "I don't know how I got to be an angel when I hate niggers so much."

A coon's a babboon that can carry a tune.

A couple of rednecks decided that they wanted to go on a safari in Africa. They had some money so they booked passage to the African jungle, outfitted themselves for hunting big game, with guns and packs and dogs, and hired several black porters to carry their stuff. Because they didn't know their asses from two holes in the ground, they soon got themselves completely lost and eventually they found themselves in the middle of the Sahara desert. It was 130 degrees F. in the shade, but fortunately they'd brought plenty of water. However their food supply soon ran short and after a couple of days of wandering around in circles they'd completely exhausted their supply. After another day or two they were starving and they decided that the only way they'd be able to survive was to kill and eat one of the black porters, which they did. But they were still hopelessly lost in the trackless sands and a day later they had eaten all they could and the corpse of the porter was rotten and inedible. In another day, it was obvious that they were in the same situation they'd been in before, so again they killed and ate one of the black porters. This went on until all the porters were gone. They were still lost and starving, so one of the rednecks turned to the other and  said, "Well, I guess we'll have to eat one of the dogs now."

A white man was out walking one day when he stumbled upon an old lamp hidden away in a remote place. When he picked up the lamp and rubbed it a genie emerged. "I am the genie of the lamp," he said, "and I will grant you three wishes." The man was delighted with his good fortune and said, "I wish never to have to work again, to be able to have any woman I want, and to be able to keep it up all night." So the genie turned him into a nigger.

[Chanted:]
Basketball, watermelon, Cadillac car.
We ain't as dumb as you think we . . . is.

Did you hear that there's a special form of melanoma that black people get?
Watermelanoma.

Did you hear that they found the cause of sickle cell anemia?
It's in the glue on the back of food stamps.

First God said, "Let there be light." Then the Devil said, "Let there be darkies."

Have you heard of the African village that only appears for one day every hundred years?
Jigaboon.

How do you get a nigger out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

How do you help a black man out of the gutter?
Take your foot off his neck.

How many men are there on a white basketball team?
Three, because the Constitution says that a nigger is 3/5 of a person.

How many niggers does it take to shingle a roof?
It depends on how thin you slice 'em.

Responding to the criticism that the Antonyms section of the SAT was dropped because black people have trouble distinguishing between opposites, a spokesman for the Congressional Black Caucus said, "No, it ain't nothin' like that."

Two black garbage men were hauling a load of trash to the dump in their open-bed garbage truck when a huge windstorm started. Their load included of a lot of light stuff that started blowing out of the back of the truck. They decided that they'd better do something about it, so one of them climbed in to the back of the truck and lay down on top of the load to keep it from blowing away. A couple of white guys pulled into the traffic lane directly behind them and one of them said to the other, "Look! Somebody threw away a perfectly good nigger!"

Two little black boys were walking in the woods when a raccoon ran across their path.
"That's what they call us!" said one of the boys.
"You mean," asked the other, "that's a motherfucker?"

Two niggers were walking across the Golden Gate Bridge when they both realized that they needed to pee. There was nobody nearby except cars whizzing by so they took out their dicks and started to pee over the railing.
One of the niggers said to the other, "Ooh, that water's cold!"
And the other one answered, "And deep, too!"

Two Sourthern farmers were talking at the fence between their fams. One of them said to the other, "There was a big crash on the road next to my field yesterday."
"What happened?" asked the other farmer.
"Two busloads of niggers ran head-on into one another. There was niggers all over the road."
"What'd you do?"
"I buried them all with my tractor."
"Were they all dead?"
"Well, some of them said they wasn't . . . but you know how niggers lie!"

What are the hamburgers served in at a KKK picnic?
Hot cross buns.

What does NAACP stand for?
Niggers Are Actually Colored Pollacks.

What do you call a row of KKK members marching in front of NAACP headquarters?
A bigot line.

What do you get when you cross a nigger with a Chinaman?
A car thief who can't drive.

What do you get when you cross a nigger with an ape?
What do you mean, "cross"?

What do you get when you cross a nigger with an octopus?
(I don't know.)
I don't know either, but it sure as hell can pick cotton.

What do you get when you cross a nigger with a Samoan?
Samoa niggers.

What do you use to circumcize a nigger?
A jigsaw.

What emerges from a cocoon?
A pipickininny.

What's black, has eight legs, and goes "Ho de do ho de do"?
Four niggers running for an elevator.

What's the difference between a black man lying dead in a ditch and a white man lying dead in a ditch?
Whether it's a good idea.

What's the Great White Hope?
Sickle Cell Anemia.

What's the name of the President of the NAACP?
Boy.

What's worse than a nigger with the shit kicked out of him?
A nigger without the shit kicked out of him.

What's the first thing a doctor does after delivering a black baby?
He amputates the tail.

What would Jesse Jackson be if he became enlightened?
A jigabuddha.

Why are Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder always smiling?
They don't know they're black.

Why are there no niggers in the Valley of the Jolly Green Giant?
Guess what they thought were watermelons?

Why are there seven pallbearers at a Black funeral?
Six to carry the coffin and one to carry the radio.

Why do niggers stink?
So blind people can hate them, too.


[When I originally typed the elements at the bottom of this page, I--completely unintentionally--wrote "Polymath Systems Homee Page." As my dad used to say, "The unconscious ones are the best."]

 

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