Jokes
Lawyer
A doctor and a lawyer collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor. "Sure, after the police leave," answered the lawyer.
A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the guy calls again and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." "Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!"
A guy walks into a bar, very upset and starts drinking. After each drink he mutters, "Lawyers are assholes." A man sitting at the end of the bar responds, "I take offense to that." The drunk looks up from his drink and growls, "Why, are you a lawyer?" And the other man responds, "No, I'm an asshole."
A lawyer was on a boat in shark-infested waters when he fell overboard. At once two sharks lifted him on their backs and carried him to shore.When he was asked why, he replied, "Professional courtesy."
A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to
the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, "Remember, on
the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon.
Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."
The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos
and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older
profession than medicine."
Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created
all of the chaos and confusion?"
Not many people realize that heaven and hell are directly adjacent to one another, and
once upon a time there was nothing separating them. People would sneak across the border
from hell into heaven and cause all sorts of mischief there.
One day God and the Devil god got together and agreed that this situation was bad for both
of them. God offered to build a fence between heaven and hell if the Devil would take
turns with Him repairing it when repairs were needed.
After a few eons, the fence fell into disrepair and, just to show He was a good sport, God
took the first turn and repaired it, as good as new.
A few eons later, the fence fell itno disrepair again. God rang up the Devil and reminded
him that it was his turn to fix the fence. "Very well," said the Devil, but
nothing happened. A few weeks later, God noticed that nothing had been done about the
fence and he called up the Devil again, rather annoyed. "Look," He said,
"It's your turn to fix the fence but you haven't done anything. I expect you to
repeair it right away." "Very well," said the Devil again, and again he did
nothing.
A few more weeks went by and now God was really pissed. He called up the Devil and said,
"I've reminded you twice but you're still not holding up your end of our bargain. If
you don't fix that fence immediately I'm going to sue you!"
And the Devil answered, "Oh, yeah? Where are you gonna get a lawyer?
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
How many can you afford?
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
Only one in 300,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their necks in cement?
Not enough cement.
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a pig?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One is a scum-sucking bottom feeder, and the other is a fish.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?
A hooker will stop screwing you after you are dead.
What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
You cry when you cut up an onion.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A rooster clucks defiance.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.