Jokes

Polish

 

Many of the jokes contained in this compilation
are considered offensive by some. Others are of
the opinion that this kind of material is useful for
relieving tensions and getting stereotypes out into
the open. If you consider such material offensive,
do not scroll down to the jokes below.

 

 

A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender, "Hey, have you heard the latest Pollack joke?" The bartender replied, coldly, "No. And I'll have you know I'm Polish." That's O.K.," said the man, "I'll talk slow."

A Pollack stepped in a cow pie and started crying.
He thought he was melting.

A Pollack walked into a bar and sat down at the bar, where a news report was on TV. On the news a man was on a ledge outside an upper floor of a building threatening to jump. The bartender, who'd seen the news report before said, "I'll bet you $50 he's going to jump." The Pollack took the bet and put down a $50 bill on the bar. Then the man on the ledge jumped to his death. The bartender picked up the $50 bill but then, realizing that he'd taken advantage of a poor, dumb Pollack, his conscience got the better of him and he said, "Look, I'm going to give you back your money. I have to confess that I saw that news report before." "That's O.K.," said the Pollack, "I saw it before too, but I didn't think he was gonna do it again!"

A Pollack walked into a bar with a duck under his arm. The bartender saw them and said, "Hey, what are you doing bringing that pig in here?" The Pollack answered, "That's not a pig; it's a duck." And the bartender replied, "I was talking to the duck!"

A Pollack walked into a bar with dogshit in his hand and said to the bartender, "Look what I almost stepped it!"

A Pollack walked in to a pizza place and ordered a pizza. The pizza man asked him, "Should I cut it into six pieces or eight?" And the Pollack answered, "Cut it into six; I couldn't eat eight."

Did you hear about the Polish fish?
It drowned.

Did you hear about the Polish football team?
Well, four scores and seven years ago . . .

Have you heard about the Polish cocktail?
Perrier and water.

Have you heard about the Polish kamikaze pilot?
He flew 39 missions.

Have you heard about the Polish princess?
She could tell if someone peed in the bed.

"Have you heard the Polish knock knock joke?"
"No."
"Say `knock knock'."
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"

How can you tell a Polish neighborhood?
By the toilet paper hung out to dry.

How do you know when a Pollack has been in your back yard?
Your garbage is gone and your dog is pregnant.

How do you sink a Polish battleship?
Put it in water.

The first Polish spacecraft was put into orbit with two astronauts. One of them took a space walk to repair something on the exterior of the spacecraft. When he was done he knocked on the airlock's inner door. And the other Pollack asked, "Who's there?"

The first prize in a certain contest was a week in Poland. The second prize was two weeks in Poland.

The Pollacks were getting really pissed off about people telling all these Pollack jokes so they decided to stage a march on Washington.
When last heard from they were 10 miles out of Seattle.

Sign on a toilet seat protector dispenser: "Polish T-shirts."

What does a Pollack use to clean salad bowls?
A bowl brush.

What does it say on the bottom of Polish Coke bottles?
"Open other end."

What does the bride wear at a Polish wedding?
Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue, something orange, something green, something yellow,  something purple . . .

What's the biggest problem of Polish dump operators?
Shoplifting.

What's the most popular Polish fast-food restaurant?
Booger King.

What's the most useless thing on a woman?
A Pollack.

What strange elastic material do Polish children play with?
Silly puckey.

Why are "Polish" and "polish" spelled the same?
Because Webster couldn't tell shit from shinola.

Why are Pollacks the only ones who eat shit?
They're the only ones who know how to cook it.

Why are there only two pallbearers at a Polish funeral?
A garbage can only has two handles.

Why couldn't the Pollack change a light bulb?
All he had was a twenty-dollar bill.

Why did the Pollack go to sea?
Somebody flushed the bathtub.

Why do they they throw shit on the walls at a Polish wedding?
To keep the flies off the bride.

Why does a Pollack carry a little turd in his pocket?
For identification.

Why does a Pollack carry two little turds in his pocket?
Because one good turd deserves another.

Why don't they let Pollacks swim in Lake Michigan?
They leave a ring.

Why don't they make ice in Poland?
They lost the formula.

Why do Polish airplanes fly so low?
So the pilots can read the street signs.

Why do they throw shit on the walls at a Polish wedding?
To keep the flies off the bride.

Why is there glass in front of the monkey cage at the Warsaw Zoo?
The Pollacks throw shit at them.

Why were the Polish troops sent to Iraq all women?
They thought it was the battle of all mothers.

 

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